Food,Excercise, and Diet Advice

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I found this on another forum, and posted it here because I think it's hilarious.

I don't know who wrote it, but sounds like NYTruckie or WAS967'!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is  

this true?  

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it ...  

don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.  

Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like  

saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  

Want to live longer? Take a nap.  

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Q: Should I cut down on mea

t and eat more fruits and vegetables?  

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?  

Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is  

nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables  

to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good  

source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can  

give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable  

products.  

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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?  

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled  

wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you  

get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of  

grain. Bottoms up!  

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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?  

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is  

one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.  

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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular  

exercise program?  

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No  

Pain...Good  

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?  

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in  

vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting  

more vegetables be bad for you?  

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around  

the middle?  

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.  

You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.  

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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?  

A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans. Another vegetable!!! It's  

the best feel-good food around!  

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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?  

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.  

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?  

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!  

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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have  

had about food and diets.

[WAS967 97]

Sounds vaguely familiar. Maybe I wrote it while in a drunken stupor. Remember: Alcohol is kinda like formaldehide: it preserves you!