CIA Detainees transfer to DMV (humor...)

[Guest hoss]

from humorist Andy Borowitz:

Bush Transfers Detainees From CIA to DMV

Will Wait on Line Until They Talk, President Says

President George W. Bush stunned the international human rights community today by announcing that he would transfer a dozen detainees being held in secret CIA prisons to the Department of Motor Vehicles in New York City.

While rumors have abounded that the United States was contemplating using the interminable waiting times at the DMV to force terror suspects to talk, Mr. Bush's Rose Garden announcement was the first public acknowledgement of the plan.

"Effective tomorrow, these detainees will be forced to wait on long lines and fill out form after form for hours on end," Mr. Bush told reporters. "If that does not make these evildoers talk, nothing will."

Explaining the President's plan, White House spokesman Tony Snow said that each terror suspect would be forced to apply for new drivers' licenses, vehicle registrations and license plates "until they start singing like canaries."

But hours after the President's plan was announced, human rights groups around the world cried foul, claiming that detaining suspects at the DMV, especially the one in New York, was tantamount to torture.

"It is in our opinion that being forced to spend more than one hour at the DMV could be in direct violation of the Geneva Conventions," said Carol Foyler of Amnesty International.

At the White House, Mr. Snow said that the President had other options for making detainees talk, including making them take turns as White House press spokesman.

"No one lasts in this job for long without snapping," Mr. Snow said.

Elsewhere, photos in Vanity Fair reveal that Suri Cruise has her mother's eyes and her father's insatiable thirst for publicity.

Edited September 13, 2006 by hoss